for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
