Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
