My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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