Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
