When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
