Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
