I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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