Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
