I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
