He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
