3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
