i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize