sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
