Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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