Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wish there were birth control emojis
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
