I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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