You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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