Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
