Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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