It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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