sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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