um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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