I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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