I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
