My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
