My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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