4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
