Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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