I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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