I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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