I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
