I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
