If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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