I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
