i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize