Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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