I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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