I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
