Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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