so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
