Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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