My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My ATM looks so different sober.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
