I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just high enough for therapy.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
