Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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