Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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