How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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