The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
