Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
