she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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