I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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