I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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