Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
