Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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