I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
