I am puke
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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