I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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