9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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