Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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