when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
