Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
