Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
