my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
