I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
