I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
