I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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