If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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