Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
