I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
