you have to choose: penises or morals?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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